The Decision Dillema

 I was in class 12th when my biology ma’am, who also happened to be the senior coordinator, shouted at me in front of the entire class in the middle of the English literature period. And she did not do it without a reason. I was the marshal of the class who had been defending one of the friends from their mistakes; a case of blatant partiality for a friend, which was not in the interests of the decorum of the class. It was not a case where I did not know what I was doing but one where I weighed friendship more than responsibility. I could not take a stand against my friend then, I did not know why. 

Often in our lives, we are caught in a situation where we feel, to put it in the words of Jonas from Dark,  “But every decision for something is a decision against something else”. A situation where we are torn in a dilemma of decision, where the line between right and wrong is blurred and you know that a decision for something will inevitably have consequences for the other. I have been on the unfortunate end on numerous occasions, and perhaps, I can offer some insights. Before that, we may ask what decisions are difficult to make and what makes them so? 

Decisions that affect our relationships with someone we care about- friends, family, loved ones, and decisions that cater to our instinctual needs of Greed, Anger, Envy, Gluttony and Lust are often hard to make. While the former is hard because we fear the end of the relationship or the goodwill of the person concerned, the latter arises when we are unable to keep our desires at bay which costs us so much more later on. 

What has been of help to me in such situations, is paying heed to the conscience. It helps to avoid negotiating with conscience at any rate because the regret and guilt to follow thereafter is bound to wear you down, it is too much of a burden to carry and sometimes it's too late to redeem yourself. The cost of negotiating with your conscience is aptly investigated in the character of Raskolnikov in Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment which describes the plight of a person who keeps conscience subservient to his reason; only to pay so dearly for it later.  It is immaterial if you lose your relations in the path of your conscience because the strength you carry overcomes the loss in the process. If only we could hold back ourselves before giving in to the temptation of Greed, Anger, Envy, Gluttony and Lust, we could save ourselves from the troubles that follow.  

 It was not until a week later, when I apologized to my biology ma'am for my partisanship that I realised where I had gone wrong. The guilt of not being able to deliver my duties correctly weighed heavily upon me and I believe I had redeemed myself even if only partly.